its a vagina not a clown car

I know this is the second rant in a row to involve religion but trust me im not anti religion and thats not the theme i plan on going with on this site. However i just couldn't resist commenting on this .....

On the way to work this morning i heard on the radio that these dumbass's http://www.duggarfamily.com just popped out their 17th child. My first thoughts where great another "its gods will" or "god wants us to be fruitful and multiply" group of nuts giving birth to a new generation of nuts. A quick review of their site shows me its not just normal nuts its worse, seems they did use the pill at one point but she still got pregnant and miscarried. They now of course blame themselves for the miscarriage , they think god was punishing them for their selfish act of not wanting to spit out an unwanted kid. Of course they where outraged to find out you could get pregnant while taking the pill , how dare they take the pill they are Christians, they are pro life! Can somebody tell these idiots about the invention of the condom? Unlike the pill if you do get pregnant while using a condom theres no side effects in the pregnancy. Maybe someone should tell them if a little spills out you don't get half a kid.

To make matters worse they are home schooling these kids. Home schooling your kids just screams i don't want my kids to ever hear any opinion other then mine. Anybody ever see the movie The Waterboy
where Kathy bates keeps telling Adam Sandler that everything is the devil. I can see the whole Duggar family sitting around the living room as mom tells them to fear the outside world and how only god and her truly loves them. Yup, just breeding another possible generation of David koresh wanna bees if you ask me.

door to door jesus or jesus knockers

Sorry for the lack of updates but ive been working on alot of projects around the house which brings me to todays rant. This past Sunday i was minding my own business working in my side yard digging a drainage ditch when a SUV I didn't know pulled up with a couple of guys in suits in it. The guys got out and started heading my way and right away i could tell what they were door to door jesus salesmen. They just have that whole " I know im bothering you but its for jesus" look to them, a smugness all its own. These guys can obviously see im working im knee deep in a hole wearing nothing but a pair of shorts and im covered in sweat but that doesn't stop the jesus salesmen. Our conversation went like this:

Jesus Salesmen 1: So are you making the driveway wider? ( ive had some work done that looks like im making the driveway wider)

Me: Nope putting in a pool ( i really am but they couldn't see it from where i was digging so they might of thought i was being a smartass)

Jesus Salesmen 1: We dont mean to bother you or interrupt you while your working.

Me: Ok ( in my head i was thinking "then why the *censored* are you bothering me?")

Jesus Salesmen 1: We are just out taking some time to talk to people blah blah blah ( i pretty much quit listening at that point)

Me: Really wow.

Jesus Salesmen 1: Blah blah blah , with all the fighting thats going on in the middle east lately on the news people are concerned about rapture coming soon.

Me: Recent fighting in the middle east? You do know they have been fighting there for the past couple thousand years right? Seems to me it just made the news since we jumped in.

Jesus Salesmen 1: Yeah, but with all the recent wars and weather people are looking for answers.

Me: Ok ( in my head i was thinking "yeah i want to know the answer to why the hell your still here!")

Jesus Salesmen 1: Blah blah jesus, peace on earth blah blah blah we will leave you with this pamphlet to read and maybe it will answer some of the questions you might be asking yourself.

Me: Ok well ill get back to work ( in my head i thought " was i asking anybody any questions? Great i can use this pamphlet to wipe the sweat off my forehead")

Jesus salesmen 1: You have a good day and good luck with your digging

Jesus salesmen 2: have a good day and God bless

Several people might be thinking whats my problem? these guys where just trying to spread the word of God. Well heres my problem i lost 45 minutes of my time listening to their mindless chatter and oh yeah thats right i didn't invite these guys now did I? Now lets put there sales pitch in a nutshell:

"Hello , We would just like to let you know how we believe you should live and what you should worship if not...........well your going to die and spend all eternity in hell where your soul will be tortured by a big bunch of scary monsters."

Im not downing religion but thats the sales pitch in a nutshell inst it? Seems to me these guys pulled up on my property uninvited then started slinging threats at me , if eternally being tortured by some guy holding a pitchfork isn't a threat i don't know what one is. Now it would be illegal for me to show up at there house and say " if you don't drink beer like me a big scary beer monster will come and destroy your liver while you sleep" so just what the hell makes it legal for them? Maybe im looking at it wrong but i think the next time one of these jesus knockers comes to threaten me ill just pull out my can of Cthulhu whoop ass and send them on their merry little way.

As everyone knows its the week of the fourth so i figured i would try to make something that says " all American" . Hamburgers came to mind because what says "im a proud American" better then grilling some ground up cow carcass in a patty form. Of course i could cook up some veggie burgers instead but that would make me a communist free loving hippy wouldn't it. Every time i cook burgers i use different spices in them and maybe it was 6 beers i had drank or maybe it was the cheeto loaf that inspired me but this time i got creative and it came out pretty good.

Heres your grocery list

1. 1lb ground beef


2. 1 bottle of malt liquor ( i used cobra this time)


3. 1 bottle of fake bacon bits


4. 1/2 teaspoon of tonys seasoning salt


5. 1 8oz bag of cool ranch doritos


6. 12 pack of your favorite beer ( to drink while your cooking )

I would go into great detail on how to make a burger but if you dont know how to do that allready you probably have no damn buisness near a grill and i dont want to be resonsible for your injurys so go play with a sparkler instead. For those of you that do know the basics of how to make a burger all i did different is crush up some doritos and mix them in like a meat loaf. Then i added a handful of bacon bits into the mix and poured some malt liquor over the whole mess and let it sit and marinate for a while.

After you've let the malt liquor soak into the meat then roll the meat into four good size meat balls and flatten them out just a little. Ive had people pat out burgers for me before that pat them out so damn thin they fall apart the first time you flip them. Nothing better then burning your knuckles as you try to flip the few burgers that didnt fall apart as the other half of them burn in the bottom of the grill. The trick is to use your spatula to flatten them out after they have cooked for a while on the grill and that keeps them from falling apart. Here is the end result, notice the yellow chip chunks inside the burger.

Surprisingly bacon bits taste more like bacon when they are cooked inside a hamburger. Not only that the doritos kept most of their ranch flavor, it was almost like eating a corn tortilla with bacon. Im going to have to try this again but next time ill toss in some cheese, happy fourth all, now go blow something up! Because nothing says I love America like drinking German beer and shooting off Chinese fireworks.

Dramatic chipmunk is a friggin prairie dog!

A couple of weeks ago this video started appearing all over the net labeled something like the greatest five second video on the net or something like that.

Pretty much over night the clip had flooded forums all over the world relabeled as "dramatic chipmunk" now heres the question i have, are there really that many dumb shits out there that dont know what a damn chipmunk looks like? Sure they are both some type of rodent but hell heres a chipmunk and here is a prairie dog. Im slowly seeing "dramatic prairie dog" videos showing up so i guess not every one is a dumbass. But it got me wondering are there really that many people who cant tell the friggin difference? Do the names "Alvin" , "Simon", or "Theodore not ring a bell to these people? Or better yet didnt anyone ever watch rescue rangers? come on people Chip and Dale. And before some assbag out there says its some type of non lined chipmunk heres the video the clip originally came from.

of course there are a bunch of remix videos now too........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJy-0Lw4Nak

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJy-0Lw4Nak

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4blDoSCp4Y

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_EskIE4zpI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lXL7HflU1Q

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4s-9kSAO3rs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WiloZd1H4ow

Whats with the LOLcats ????

There have been several trends on the internet that i didnt quite understand how or why they got so popular over the years. The first i didn't quite get was the whole "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" that came from the sega game "Zero Wing". Then there was the "I Kiss You guy", Mahir Cagri, didnt get that one either. Now its LOLcats????? pretty much pics of cats/kittens with cute phrases with them that are mispelled 50% of the time since as we all know cats are shitty spellers or they are written like cats speak leet. You know ive suspected for years that cats might be closet hackers so this would explain the whole speaking leet thing. Ive caught my cat typeing on the keyboard a time or two , sure cats want us to believe they are really just walking across the keyboard by accident but im sure hasdlkjsgfl;hk;.'';;l'5 means something in cat.

Ive seen these LOLCats off and on for years but recently they seem to be flooding the net in blogs or news articles. They are spreading like a virus on the net and mutating into LOLdogs, LOLbunnies, LOLhamsters and just about any other cutesy thing you can think of LOLporn might be next ewwww. Did we all just suddenly feel the need to see something cutesy? Hell they are now calling Saturdays caturdays for trading or posting LOLcats online. No one can say for sure the origins of these LOLcats but
im sure this trend will end like all other internet fads in time.

For now http://icanhascheezburger.com/ seems to have a pretty good collection if your into LOLcats

Why your e-mail inbox might make you look like your a midget clown humper on the prowl

Every day you see a new article about how the internet is leading people to problems in relationships or divorce. If ive read one article about internet porn, online relationships, finding out your partner is into gay bestiality while squishing gerbils with their chocolate covered clown shoes, ive read a million. But while searching through all these articles i couldn't find one that talks about the number one internet related argument starter, "SPAM". Yup good old unsolicited porn adds ones with subject headings like;

1. 
   hey , i really enjoyed you coming by my website last night


2. 
   I really miss you and im horny


3. 
   What she doesn't know wont hurt her


4. My friends and i would want you to come back over
   
   

The list goes on and on those are just a few i pulled from my e-mail today. Now say one day you forget to log out of your e-mail and your better half comes along noticed it goes to log you out and just what do you think is going to jump out to them like it was written in bold and neon flashing? If they have been on the net and signed up to a forum or two they will be familiar with these spam e-mails. If there not then the next thing your know a simple scan of you e-mail and your a pervert looking for some action. Heaven forbid you actually clicked on any of the e-mails that just makes it worse , now it looks like you read it.

Next they scan a little closer and they see the internet fetish spam e-mails with subjects like;

1. Look "your name" Hot teenage girls getting naughty like you like em



2. Hey "You name" i finally turned 18 come see me pleasure myself



3. Look here "Your name" we've got those tiny Asian girls midget girls you like


4. "Your name" the hottest gay midget clowns doing donkey shows you requested is now available

Subject headings in spam like the one above a worse then normal spam because they have your actual name in them, this really makes it look like you went looking for it. Of course if you other half reads just the headings there going to say " that sick bitch/bastard" and think your really into the teen girls or midget clowns. From there the we have the icing on the cake spam , the stuff that comes from online dating websites heres a few examples;

1. New hott friends and a New messages at your Megafriends account


2. Hey "You name" , you asked for hot new members. We have 6 of them!


3. "You name" , hook up with one of your 17 new matches right now


4. 10 HOTT new matches for your personal add click here

If you click the link in those e-mails you go to a web page that looks like you have actually set up an account. Great now your a teen clown midget humper on the prowl for a good time.

Now heres the real truth on how spam works the basic spammer mass mailing program just sends out every name in a baby book to your internet provider such as bob@aol.com , bobby@aol.com and so and so forth. They take the ones that dont come back undeliverable and put them into their good list, next its every name in a baby book with numbers thrown in like bob1@aol.com , bob2@aol.com, they keep going on out 8 digits or so until they have covered the possibilities pretty well and they too go in the good list. This list is where your basic non specific spam e-mails come from like the first ones i discussed.

The more specific spam e-mails the ones with actual names or details those are a little harder but those crafty spammers still get the job done. A bunch of different ways are incorporated here the easiest is stripping those damn mass forwarded e-mails you know the ones that are 4 pages long with forwarded addresses until you actually get to the damn subject! Most of those have your name listed like "John doe" johndoe@aol.com so now weve got a valid e-mail address and a name to go with it. So please start stripping those forwarded e-mail addresses before you send that friggin e-mail to save poor little Alison who is dying of cancer or the e-mail that gets me free Disney tickets from bill gates himself. Better yet just keep me off the list alltogether.

More complicated e-mail address miners are what i call forum leaches and these can be the worst if you have ever used a forum before. Generally in a forum you have to sign up and some require certain fields like location, birth date, sex , you name it. Forum leaches simple go to a website and start hitting the profile links of the forum for all the users, now they have , a valid e-mail address, a name, a birth date, your location and more. If the forum has an option of " dont allow other users to e-mail me" like the baddrink.com forums do i recommend you check it and it will block the leaches. Thats just a few methods use to get your email address and personal info there are a ton more, dont even get me started on spyware thats a subject for another day.

Spammers take this wonderful info and plug it automatically gets plugged into the proper fields to make a valid web link heres a breakdown.

1. To : "your emailaddress"


2. Subject: "your name hey" 20 people responded to your personals ad


3. Text: Hey "your name hey" you've been getting a lot of response on your looking for sweet teen asian midget personals ad , click the link below to see who all responded you clown shoe wearing stud.


4. The actual link: www.singles site.com/jibberish/"your e-mail address" / jiberish/ "your name" / more jibberish/ "your city"/ jiberish/ "your age or birthday" .html

Sometimes the link is that obvious other times your personal info has been replaced with numbers that correspond with a database at that website and it cross references the info when you go to the link. In the end you get a pretty little webpage with personal info looking like you signed up for the site, its called phishing , and yes some sites do end up getting new customers this way.

So just becuase your betters half inbox looks like a letter to dear penthouse or pedifiles weekly that doesnt mean they are midget clown humpers out on the prowl looking for action.

For this weeks tasty Tuesday i did an old camping dish on the grill with a twist, the first time i made this it didn't have malt liquor in it. I call it drunken hobo dinner....

Heres your grocery list:

1. 1 roll of tinfoil


2. 2 lbs of ground beef


3. 2 cans of sliced potatoes


4. 1 can of sliced carrots


5. 1 bottle of malt liquor ( like cobra a colt 45)


6. 1 1/4 teaspoons seasoning salt


7. 1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce


8. 1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper


9. 12 pack of your favorite brew ( to drink while your cooking )

Optional:

1. 1/3 cup sliced Onions


2. 1/3 cup chopped jalapenos


3. 1/2 cup of salsa


4. Maybe 1/2 cup of flaming hot Cheetos??

Take your ground beef and in a big bowl mix in your spices and then pat out the meat like your making hamburger patties. Make the patties pretty big to account for some shrinkage depending on what grade of beef you get they should be about half a pound per patty. Now tear off a big sheet of tinfoil and cover the patty with a half a can of potatoes and half a can of carrots ( and any optional ingredients ). Sprinkle some more seasoning salt and pepper on top of the potatoes and carrots or any other spices you want to add. Pull the corners of the foil up like your going to wrap it up like a Christmas present and pour some of that malt liquor in with it. Like ive said before don't even bother trying to do this with light beer because you wont get any flavor in the end , cheap malt liquor is the way to go. Fold the foil up so that the liquid stays inside the foil, i recommend you double wrap it if not triple wrap.

You should end up with four foil packs when your done and each one of them can be different so hey why not try four different types of malt liquor. And of course you have to drink what ever is left over, waste nothing! always remember guys and gals there are sober kids in India! Toss the foil packs on the grill on a low flame and close the lid, if your using charcoal you can just toss them straight into the bed of coals. Usually it takes about twenty minutes but its going to vary from grill to grill , it takes half an hour on my piece of crap grill. You might have to tear open one of the packs to make sure there done or just make a judgement call. Sure some of the potatjavascript:void(0)
Publish Postoes and carrots might end up burnt but hey crunchy carrots and crispy taters rock! Once your drunken hobo packets are done put them on a paper plate and you can eat em right out of the foil.

Sure they don't look the most appetizing but trust me there good. Its also a good idea to make an additional foil pack of just carrots and potatoes in case you need a little more to tide you over.