door to door jesus or jesus knockers

Sorry for the lack of updates but ive been working on alot of projects around the house which brings me to todays rant. This past Sunday i was minding my own business working in my side yard digging a drainage ditch when a SUV I didn't know pulled up with a couple of guys in suits in it. The guys got out and started heading my way and right away i could tell what they were door to door jesus salesmen. They just have that whole " I know im bothering you but its for jesus" look to them, a smugness all its own. These guys can obviously see im working im knee deep in a hole wearing nothing but a pair of shorts and im covered in sweat but that doesn't stop the jesus salesmen. Our conversation went like this:

Jesus Salesmen 1: So are you making the driveway wider? ( ive had some work done that looks like im making the driveway wider)

Me: Nope putting in a pool ( i really am but they couldn't see it from where i was digging so they might of thought i was being a smartass)

Jesus Salesmen 1: We dont mean to bother you or interrupt you while your working.

Me: Ok ( in my head i was thinking "then why the *censored* are you bothering me?")

Jesus Salesmen 1: We are just out taking some time to talk to people blah blah blah ( i pretty much quit listening at that point)

Me: Really wow.

Jesus Salesmen 1: Blah blah blah , with all the fighting thats going on in the middle east lately on the news people are concerned about rapture coming soon.

Me: Recent fighting in the middle east? You do know they have been fighting there for the past couple thousand years right? Seems to me it just made the news since we jumped in.

Jesus Salesmen 1: Yeah, but with all the recent wars and weather people are looking for answers.

Me: Ok ( in my head i was thinking "yeah i want to know the answer to why the hell your still here!")

Jesus Salesmen 1: Blah blah jesus, peace on earth blah blah blah we will leave you with this pamphlet to read and maybe it will answer some of the questions you might be asking yourself.

Me: Ok well ill get back to work ( in my head i thought " was i asking anybody any questions? Great i can use this pamphlet to wipe the sweat off my forehead")

Jesus salesmen 1: You have a good day and good luck with your digging

Jesus salesmen 2: have a good day and God bless

Several people might be thinking whats my problem? these guys where just trying to spread the word of God. Well heres my problem i lost 45 minutes of my time listening to their mindless chatter and oh yeah thats right i didn't invite these guys now did I? Now lets put there sales pitch in a nutshell:

"Hello , We would just like to let you know how we believe you should live and what you should worship if not...........well your going to die and spend all eternity in hell where your soul will be tortured by a big bunch of scary monsters."

Im not downing religion but thats the sales pitch in a nutshell inst it? Seems to me these guys pulled up on my property uninvited then started slinging threats at me , if eternally being tortured by some guy holding a pitchfork isn't a threat i don't know what one is. Now it would be illegal for me to show up at there house and say " if you don't drink beer like me a big scary beer monster will come and destroy your liver while you sleep" so just what the hell makes it legal for them? Maybe im looking at it wrong but i think the next time one of these jesus knockers comes to threaten me ill just pull out my can of Cthulhu whoop ass and send them on their merry little way.

As everyone knows its the week of the fourth so i figured i would try to make something that says " all American" . Hamburgers came to mind because what says "im a proud American" better then grilling some ground up cow carcass in a patty form. Of course i could cook up some veggie burgers instead but that would make me a communist free loving hippy wouldn't it. Every time i cook burgers i use different spices in them and maybe it was 6 beers i had drank or maybe it was the cheeto loaf that inspired me but this time i got creative and it came out pretty good.

Heres your grocery list

1. 1lb ground beef


2. 1 bottle of malt liquor ( i used cobra this time)


3. 1 bottle of fake bacon bits


4. 1/2 teaspoon of tonys seasoning salt


5. 1 8oz bag of cool ranch doritos


6. 12 pack of your favorite beer ( to drink while your cooking )

I would go into great detail on how to make a burger but if you dont know how to do that allready you probably have no damn buisness near a grill and i dont want to be resonsible for your injurys so go play with a sparkler instead. For those of you that do know the basics of how to make a burger all i did different is crush up some doritos and mix them in like a meat loaf. Then i added a handful of bacon bits into the mix and poured some malt liquor over the whole mess and let it sit and marinate for a while.

After you've let the malt liquor soak into the meat then roll the meat into four good size meat balls and flatten them out just a little. Ive had people pat out burgers for me before that pat them out so damn thin they fall apart the first time you flip them. Nothing better then burning your knuckles as you try to flip the few burgers that didnt fall apart as the other half of them burn in the bottom of the grill. The trick is to use your spatula to flatten them out after they have cooked for a while on the grill and that keeps them from falling apart. Here is the end result, notice the yellow chip chunks inside the burger.

Surprisingly bacon bits taste more like bacon when they are cooked inside a hamburger. Not only that the doritos kept most of their ranch flavor, it was almost like eating a corn tortilla with bacon. Im going to have to try this again but next time ill toss in some cheese, happy fourth all, now go blow something up! Because nothing says I love America like drinking German beer and shooting off Chinese fireworks.